It Isn’t All in the Head, Is It?
March 14th, 2009 by Andy
Just before the beginning of the new year, I wrote an article in which I mentioned that there were two major issues that I had to take care of before I expected to make any more reportable progress that would lead to any new tips. I’m happy to report that I have taken care of one of these, and am now well on the way to finally conquering the second. During this process, I have learned a valuable lesson that only became completely evident to me today.
Everything belief that we have is generated from our experiences and what we have learned from the experiences of others. It is from these believes that we generate the standards by which we judge ourselves and others. What I have always know, but only recently become aware of is that it doesn’t always make sense to change these beliefs.
Shortly after I wrote that story, I really thought about it, and had the feeling that those two things were just excuses. In many other cases when dealing with social anxiety, others would have said the same. In reality I have found that these things I needed to take care of truly needed to be taken care of. I had been making excuses to put them off for far too long.
So tonight’s lesson is short and sweet. There are those things in life that bother you and rightfully should. This is especially true if the problem affects your health or the well-being of your family. So really, if something is bothering you, it is all in your head, but you really should take the time to question whether it is there for a good reason or now.
The Secret to Thinking Positively
January 27th, 2009 by AndyNot so long ago, I found myself staring at articles not that unlike this one, reading that if I thought positively good things would happen to me. At first I’d try to think positively, and realized that my thoughts would automatically return to negativity. I figured, as you may, that I was just a negative thinker, and nothing could ever change that.
At some point a series of events occurred in my life that changed that belief forever. Within weeks I went from my automatic negative thoughts to thinking positively most of the time. The best part about this that because I questioned my ability to think positively the entire time, I noticed what led to the changes.
The secret, my friends, is practice. At this point, you probably think I’m crazy, how can you practice what you think? After all we just have thoughts, right? Yes and no. First of all you need to realize that the way you think, is nothing more than a habit. You have learned to think negatively. Just the same you can learn to think positively. The trick is catching yourself having the negative thoughts, and then thinking more positive thoughts.
As an example, one recurring negative thought that I used to have was that people would find me boring. Whenever I noticed this, I would think of times when people didn’t find me boring, and think to myself “I am a fun person.” before long, I noticed I was no longer thinking that people would find me boring.
Now as I mentioned before, becoming a positive thinker requires practice. This isn’t something you can change in a couple of days. It will take weeks, months, or maybe even years of practice depending on you and how negative your thoughts are. Just as you wouldn’t expect to become an expert in a day if you picked up a new musical instrument, you can’t expect to make such a huge, life-changing change so quickly.
Now if you have read this article carefully, you may now realize that I have given you a very powerful starting place to get you moving along the road to positively. I have not only told you that this is possible, but I have explained how it is possible and how you can become more positive. Anyone choosing to do this should start off by reminding themselves that they can become more positive every time they have a thought to the contrary.
I wish you all the best and loads of positivity in the future!
The Importance of Incongruence
January 11th, 2009 by AndyA post that Not a Mean Girl wrote yesterday reminded me just how important congruency is when dealing with other. Being congruent simply means that all of our communication, verbal and non-verbal match and tell the same story. However incongruence usually indicates that something is wrong. For instance you may have a frown on your face while you say that you’re the happiest person in the world. It is the importance of this incongruence that I want to focus on today.
In her post, ‘I’m Thinking of Something and it Starts with the Letter “K”‘ , Not a Mean Girl told of a child who had a sudden change in disposition. She went on to describe the things she noticed that eventually ended in her being able to calm him and perhaps help him. As I read her post I realized she was describing the incongruence of the child. She was naturally noticing and noting these subtle differences in his non-verbal communication that indicated that he was torn over something. This allowed her to help him, at least at that moment. (Beautiful job NAMG!)
As you can see, being able to spot incongruence can be helpful in helping others. When you spot incongruence you can sometimes help the person to bring their many lines of communication into agreement with each other. Sometimes this is a nice skill to have, but how does it apply to coping with social anxiety?
Maybe you notice that people seem bored when you talk to them. Maybe you think people just agree with you to get you to stop talking. In either of these cases you’re probably picking up on the incongruence of the other person. You’re picking up on important communication from them, and likely ignoring it and continuing on without change. Next time this happens, try to notice what they are doing that gives you these feelings and once you do, change something about what you’re doing. Maybe change the subject, your posture, tone of voice, or even stop talking altogether. See if there are any changes, and then try something else. With time and practice, you’ll be able to learn to use incongruence to pace your conversations and appear much less socially awkward.
A Year in Review
December 30th, 2008 by AndyIt seems that yet another Thanksgiving and Christmas has passed. With the new year looming only a few days away, its time I take a few minutes to think back on this passed year and speculate about what may come in the next year. I can only hope that next year will be half as exciting as this year has been.
At the beginning of this year, I had just started a new job. While it was a bit frightening it was exciting none the less. I spent quite a bit of time continuing my research into the anxieties that I faced and how to conquer them.
At some point, I discovered that the anxiety I suffered from was known as Social Anxiety Disorder. It was at this point that I realized that there wasn’t nearly enough information openly available to sufferers online, and decided to create this blog in order to help others. From that point forward, I continued working on myself, and writing about every technique that I found that worked for me.
Finally October rolled around, and my posts screeched to a halt. Suddenly I found myself without new techniques to contribute, and decided that rather than clutter the site meaningless summaries of what I’d already covered, I’d hold off until I had something new. That time hasn’t come yet, but some amazing things have happened with me.
Right around this same time, I suddenly found that my anxiety had drastically decreased. From then thru today, I’ve been continuing with systematic desensitization and self-hypnosis. If I take a moment to think back to where I started, or even just 6 months ago, I hardly recognize the person I was. I have more fun now. I’m a better father. I’m much more assertive. Most importantly I’m much happier than I was then.
So what does all of this mean for SociallyDistressed.com in the year to come? Relax, despite my lack of new content recently, I’m not abandoning you guys. Personally I’m at a point where I’m probably going to stay for a few months. So I probably won’t be writing about any new techniques for a while. On the other hand, I’m always willing to help you out. Just comment if you have questions, and I’ll answer maybe even write an entire post if your question spawns enough thought. Once I have taken care of the things I have to do, I’m sure you’ll start to see new techniques and ideas appear again.
With that said, I wish you all a great and prosperous 2009! Happy New Years!
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Loading ...The Basics of Reality and Rapport
November 4th, 2008 by AndyIn my last article, A Look in the Mirror – Evaluating Your Own Confidence, I discussed a technique that you can use to not only evaluate your confidence, but also begin to learn to observe non-verbal communication. One reader asked in a comment if the someone who is being “unreasonable or hostile” might be reflecting her non-verbal communication. Personally, I don’t think that “reflecting” is the right word. It is more likely that they are “reacting to” her non-verbal communication.
Before I even begin to explain how our verbal and non-verbal actions affect others, I have to introduce you to reality. You must understand that each of us lives in our own reality which is created around the things we have learned and have observed. No two peoples realities are identical because no two people could possibly have seen, heard, read, and learned the exact same things.
Another very important thing to understand is that our actions and reactions are based completely out of our reality. In other words we will respond in the way we have learned to respond to something. In NLP the things that cause our responses are referred to as triggers. When we hear a word, it is attached to some representation within our mind. So the word is a trigger to retrieve its meaning within our reality.
If you look at two separate cultures, it is much easier to see how our realities differ. For instance one culture may eat bugs while another finds the idea repulsive. It may be the case that eating the bugs is perfectly healthy, yet for some reason or another, the other culture developed a belief that it is repulsive. From generation to generation, this belief is taught the offspring.
In a less obvious example, one person might interpret a smile as being a very positive gesture while another, even though she knows the gesture is meant to be positive, might have a negative reaction to it. This negative reaction is because somehow a smile became a trigger for negative feelings. Perhaps the smile stirs up a reminder of a previous bad experience where someone had a smile on their face.
Both of these concepts are extremely important to understand because without them we can’t even begin to understand how to gain good rapport with people. If we understand these concepts we can begin to observe peoples reactions to things, and adjust our own actions to get the reactions we would like to see.
So the answer to her question more completely, those reactions are not a reflection of her non-verbal communications. They are instead a glimpse at the reality of the other person triggered by her non-verbal communication.
If this is the case, you may wonder why having very confident non-verbal communication is so important. To answer that, look back the at example I gave above about two separate cultures. Culture creates the basis for our reality, and in most, if not all cultures around the world, confidence is considered a positive attribute. In addition, our signs of nervousness are similar – sweaty hands, fast breathing, shakiness, etc… So it makes sense that being confident and radiating confidence through both our verbal and non-verbal communication will make it easier to build rapport with people. At the same time it is possible that some people will have associated certain aspects of our confident actions with negative representations, so it is also important that we be able to recognize this and adapt.
I think I’ve done about the best I can to explain this. This is just a very topical explaination however, so if you really want to understand how all of this works, I recommend reading the works of John Grinder and Richard Bandler. I believe that “Patterns of the Hypnotic Techniques of Milton H. Erickson, M.D.” volumes I and II and “Frogs into Princes” do a very good job of explaining these concepts.
A Look in the Mirror – Evaluating Your Own Confidence
November 4th, 2008 by AndyIf you’ve been reading my articles, you’ve probably been recognizing an overall theme which is that self-confidence is the key to many things. Across your professional life and your personal life, your self-confidence has many opportunities to affect the results you get. What you may not realize is how easy it can be to evaluate your level of confidence.
What I would like to propose is that you look in a mirror. Take a few minutes to study that person you see as if you are looking at a different person. Notice the feelings you get from this person, and attempt to figure out what it is that gives you these feelings. In this exercise you are looking at yourself through the eyes of another person, reacting to your own non-verbal communication, and attempting to determine the source of it.
Now you can try imagine other situations and look at yourself as if you were watching another person in that situation. Take a few minutes, close your eyes if you need to, and really imagine yourself being in that situation. Now look at that “other” person in the mirror as if that person is in that situation. Notice the feelings you have now, and try to notice the non-verbal communication. Is the person smiling or frowning? How is he/she standing? Now try to figure out why once again.
You should repeat this many times with different situations and circumstances both positive and negative. This is also an exercise you will want to repeat occasionally, and perhaps get in the habit of doing regularly. Not only can it help you to identify your confidence issues, but it will also help you to become more conscious of the non-verbal communication of other people.
Personally, I use this technique discreetly many times a day. When I notice I’m feeling a particular way, I simply look at my reflection somewhere. It doesn’t matter if it’s a mirror or a window as long as I can see my reflection just long enough to notice how those feelings are being reflected non-verbally.
Bridging Your Abilities
October 30th, 2008 by AndyFor years I have had a very strange confidence issue. At work I was completely confident, resourceful, and able to face nearly any situation head on. I felt almost like I was James Bond. As soon as I walked out the office door though, I felt more like Napoleon Dynamite. In my non-professional world I lacked most of the knowledge and communication skills that I had in my professional life.
Before I really got to work on myself, I had no awareness of this. To me things were just the way they were, and I didn’t see any relation. Once I started learning about myself I discovered that I had two different sets of skills. At work I had a ton of relevant knowledge, skill, and resources to pull from. At home I had a little bit of skill and few resources. Seeing this, I decided to figure out if I could bridge some of my skills from my professional life into my personal life.
One problem I had in my personal life was my speaking abilities. When I spoke, I mumbled rather than projecting. In the office, however, I was almost to loud and outspoken. In reality I could do this in my personal life, I just had never realized it because I was in the habit of being quiet. A couple days later, in the middle of a conversation with some friends, this thought crossed my mind once again. I realized I was mumbling, and started projecting. Not only were my friends surprised, but after having this happen a few times, I started to notice that I was projecting my voice all of the time. And so I managed to bridge my speaking capabilities from my professional life to my personal life.
The next thing I decided to attempt to tackle was my confidence. This one hasn’t been so easy because there are many factors that contribute to confidence. In reality many factors have contributed to my improved confidence, I did bridge some of my confidence building skills from my professional life. I discovered that when I’m not confident about something at work, I learn more about it. In my personal life when I didn’t know something, I’d just be quiet. Once again once I realized I already had the tools to use to build my confidence, it was just the matter of getting into the habit of using those tools in my personal life. Before I would just sit around and listen to other people talk about sports and movies or whatever. I was interested, but never bothered to commit any of it to memory because I previously saw no use for it. Now though I use my learning skills to commit some of this to memory and I now have more to talk about, which in turn gives me a bit of a confidence boost.
Now you may or many not have the same problems I had. The examples I have laid out are only examples of how I applied this technique to myself in my unique circumstances. You may find that you have no skills that need to be bridged between different parts of your life, or that those that should be bridged are different than mine. My whole point is that it is worth analyzing your talents in different situations, and attempting to find ways to apply them to different parts of your life.
A Trip To The Coffee Shop
October 30th, 2008 by AndyThis morning I woke up with the worst craving for a mocha. Unfortunately between getting my daughter to school, and myself back home to work I didn’t have time to stop and get one in the morning. By the time 11:00 rolled around, I was starving and still craving that wonderful caffeine and chocolate mixture so I decided to go to lunch early. I hopped in the car, and off I went.
Before I continue my little store it is important to note that over the past few months, I’ve been working very hard at learning to pay attention to the non-verbal communication of other people. The theory is that the words we say is only a small amount of our actual communication. Our non-verbal communication is much more important and telling. This may seem strange because you normally this communication is completely subconscious. If you’ve ever been asked why you didn’t like someone and relied with something like “I don’t know, he just gave me a bad feeling” you’ve actually come close to realizing this. That is your subconscious using that non-verbal communication to communicate a message to you kinesthetically (through feelings).
So anyway, while I was out getting my lunch, I stopped at the coffee shop. Ordinarily I’d just go though the drive thru and head home, but my subconscious though it would be better if I went in today and gave me a feeling. So I got out of the car, and confidently walked to the door with my back straight, shoulders back and head up. I walked to the register slowly and deliberately. The girl was off to the side making someone cleaning something when I reached the counter.
Months ago, I would have stood there patiently, as I was willing to today, while she finished cleaning whatever it was, but not today. As soon as she saw me, she looked up, smiled, fumbled with what she was cleaning, put it down, and practically ran over the register to greet me. Her non-verbal communication was crystal clear. She was excited, nervous, and perhaps a bit intimidated. I ordered and paid, while she was smiling, and giving off very positive body language the whole time. I told her to have a good day and walked over to where I had to pick up my drink. Another girl was out changing the garbage bag. I tell he “Hi” and get the same body language from her.
The third girl, the one who made my coffee, was the best. She’s rushing to make it, paying more attention to me than the coffee. She goes to put the whipped cream on top, and ends up putting on too much and making a mess. I almost laughed, but managed to just smile instead. She brought it over nervous and apologizing. I just thanked her and told her to have a great day and left just as confidently as I had first entered.
As I returned to my car, I wanted to jump up and down with excitement. While I didn’t carry on a spectacular verbal conversation with these girls, what I had accomplished was much more important. I had managed a HUGE non-verbal talk with them. I had also managed, for the first time, to pay attention to every detail of their non-verbal communication. In fact, had I tried to carry on a lot of verbal communication, I probably would have messed something up just because I had to dedicate so much of my focus the non-verbal communication. With more practice I’ll be able to dedicate more of my attention to my verbal communication as well, but right now, this was a huge win!
New Forums
October 28th, 2008 by AndyIn order to better foster better communication between you and myself, SociallyDistressed.com now includes forums. You will find the link to the forums on the menu at the top of the page. You will also notice that you can now register and log in. Unfortunately, in order to post to the forums you will need to create an account. I really must require this in order to keep spam to a minimum. I will never sell the information you provide or provide it to third parties.
I hope you will all create accounts and join me in the forums. Feel free to post your questions, and discuss things between yourselves. This is your way to tell me what you want to read.
Thanks,
Andy
What Women Want in a Man
October 14th, 2008 by AndyThe other day, I was hanging out on Plurk and I saw a question that literally made me laugh. The question he asked wasn’t stupid nor was the person who asked it, but both the question and its answers demonstrated very well how little most people understand themselves and others. The question that was asked was "How come most women are attracted to assholes?"
I can pretty much guess what most of you are probably thinking right now. Male readers are thinking "Yeah, I’ve noticed that." while the females are thinking "We are not." Realistically both thoughts are totally wrong. It isn’t the asshole that attracts the woman, but certain qualities he appears to possess.
The most important quality that women gravitate toward confidence. While most assholes aren’t confident, they put a lot of into appearing to be strong and confident in order to hide their insecurities. They are so good at hiding their lack of confidence in their non-verbal communication that women find themselves drawn to them. Women really have little control over this because the feelings they get are generated internally by their subconscious.
Now there’s good news for all of us who are "sweet guys" and those women who don’t want to get stuck with assholes. Most women aren’t really attracted to assholes. They are attracted to confident, un-needy, self respecting men. If you aren’t this person today, don’t fret because you can be.
I have something for the women reading this who might be attracted to assholes as well. Consider for a moment that you may not really be attracted to the "bad boys." Instead is it possible that you attracted to a feeling that you get from them? Is it possible that this feeling comes from something other than the badness? Perhaps from the confidence they appear to exude? Do you find yourself unhappy in these relationships later because you’re always having to take care of that person? Because in the end, he really isn’t self-sufficient and confident, but just putting on an act?
If you answered yes to any or all of those questions, you may now understand the point that I am trying to get across. The asshole is just an imposter faking the role of the person you are really looking for. Its not your fault, you are tricked by your own mind which acts upon instincts that have been evolved throughout the existence of the human race.
I hope this clears things up a little bit for some or all of you. As always I’m always willing to field questions, so ask away.
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