A Lesson From Myself?
May 25th, 2010 by AndyTonight I was rummaging through my site stats and discovered that I had been linked to by another blog. As I do with every link I discover, I faithfully visited and read took a look at what this person had to write. I saw an opportunity to be helpful, comment and provide some good advice. I sat here writing and writing and rewriting and rewriting until I came to a conclusion. While I’ve come as far as I’ve believed, I haven’t come as far as I’d thought. Worse yet, what holds me back SHOULD only take me about a week to fix. I’ve been working on it forever, why isn’t it done?
My problem is my house. Honestly, it’s a mess. Since my divorce in 2006, it has alternated between clean and messy. Interestingly it was clean when I had the least to lose. It has been clean when it least holds me back. The mess is the, yeah I’m really going to say it, one thing that gives me an excuse to hold myself back. This is the next thing I must take care of. This is the one thing I can no longer give myself excuses to avoid. Damn.. I really feel bad for the mess now 
The lesson learned? It’s pretty easy to sabotage yourself even when you’re trying very hard not to.
Lesson learned.
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Loading ...10 Things You May Want to Work On
February 15th, 2010 by AndyWhether you’re looking to increase your dating, find a wife, find a better job, or just get along better with other people, there will always be room to become better at whatever it is you want to do. Today I will share ten ideas with you that have the potential to help you turn you’re life around today and achieve whatever it is that you want to achieve
1. Speak Up
If you’ve ever mumbled the famous words “I’m too nice and people always take advantage of that” to yourself or others, this tip is for you. These words have left my mouth more than once. I’ve discovered that this isn’t usually true. Instead I have let people take advantage of me because I didn’t feel like voicing my opinion. In fact I’ve learned that I can still be a nice guy, and people really respect that more when I do interject my opinions.
Too often we assume that people understand how we feel about things. Of course this leads to us feeling let down or angry when they seem to deliberately step on “our feelings” when in reality they were looking at the situation in a completely different way. So make sure share what you are thinking.
2. Look At Things From Other Perspectives
Just as someone others rarely think of things in exactly the same way as you, you probably don’t look at things in the same way as they do. Each and every person’s beliefs are based on what they have experienced throughout their life. This gives each of us a very unique way of looking at anything that happens, and in some ways creates a different reality for everyone. So the next time someone says something that upsets you, gives you a gift that seems thoughtless, or disagrees with you try something different.
Instead of looking at the situation from your unique perspective, attempt to see it from their unique perspective. Exactly what is it that makes them believe that they are right? Why do they have the tendency to act the way they are? The more you work at seeing things from the perspective of other people, the better you will become at communicating with other people without conflict. With enough practice you be able to meet them at their perspective and lead them to understanding yours, thus getting what you want.
3. Know Your Goals
Notice I did not say “Know what you’re goals are.” This is because each of us already knows what our goals are. We might want good jobs, a certain car, or something specific in a partner, but these are just superficial representations of our goals. If we really want to get what we want, we need to really know our goals. Analyze each of your goals and make sure you understand why you want them, how they fit into your dreams, what you will get from them, and who will appreciate the results with you. All of this will help you to visualize your goals and eventually help drive you to achieve them.
4. Stop Waiting
Tomorrow will always be tomorrow, and there will always be a next week. Stop planning to do thing later Now. The only way you will ever accomplish your goals is if you quit putting them in the future and choose to start achieving them now. While you may not be able to do everything today, you can always take small steps toward achieving what you want.
5. Be Positive
You’ve probably heard this a million times, and you’re going to hear it again now. Learn to keep your thoughts positive. You may have grown up learning to look at things from a negative point of view, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Looking at everything from a positive point of view will make it much easier to learn from your mistakes and continue pounding away until you succeed.
6. There is No Such Thing As Failure
Goals are rarely ever accomplished on the first attempt. The difference between a person who appears to be successful and a person who doesn’t appear to be successful is that the successful person has failed many many more times than the unsuccessful person. The lesson here? With the right mindset, you can never fail. Each unsuccessful attempt at your goals is an experience that you can learn from before you try again. This is how we become experts at anything. Keep going and you’re sure to eventually succeed.
7. Confidence is Key
Learning to be confident in yourself is the key to many things. Confidence is the difference between those that follow and those that lead. To succeed, we need to lead. One of the best ways I’ve found to boost my confidence is to learn to alter my image from one of uncertainty to one of confidence. Just by removing the phrases “I think” and “maybe” from my speech, I started to notice a difference in the way people reacted to what I said. People went from considering me uncertain at work to looking at me as the authority. Try it and see what happens.
8. Trust Yourself
While this could fall under the category of confidence, I thought it was important enough to break it out on its own. If you want others to trust and follow you, you must trust yourself. Your unconscious non-verbal communication is usually more important than the words that come from your mouth. If you don’t have faith in yourself, your non-verbal communication will make it very obvious to everyone around you.
9. Surround Yourself With Success
Whether you realize it or not, we spend our lives learning to do new things by mimicking what others have done. As babies we learn to speak by mimicking sounds that others make. We learn to play baseball by learning to mimic the motions that others have made. We learn to write by mimicking the symbols that others have drawn. Throughout life, learning is a process of repeating the things that work to accomplish a task. With that in mind consider the difference between surrounding yourself with positive or negative role models. It definitely makes sense to be surrounded by people who are actively achieving the same goals you wish to achieve.
10. Be The Best You Every Day
I don’t know how many times I’ve heard people say “Just be yourself.” While this statement is true, it is frequently misunderstood even by those saying it. If you want to be successful it won’t be enough to “just be yourself.” In order to achieve all that you can you will need to always be your best self. Your best self will vary from day to day, but always try to find the motivation to push yourself to new levels. If you allow yourself to “just be” you probably won’t be able to find the motivation to move forward with your goals at all.
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...How to Survive Valentines Day
February 12th, 2010 by AndyI’m sure that many of you who are single, are dreading this Sunday with every ounce of your being. How could you possibly be happy on a day that forces you to realize that you’re single while it seems like everyone around you is happily in love. Well, I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to look at it that way, but you’ve chosen to.
If you take the time to open your mind, and look at this day a little differently, you might see it instead as a day full of opportunity. So many of us loath this day for a single reason that really has nothing to do with the day at all. After all, we’re single. We don’t have another person to celebrate it with. What could this day provide us that we don’t already have?
If you said motivation, you are right. Fear and pain are two of the best motivators that exist. What better day could there possibly be to motivate us to make the changes we need to make in our lives?
So, when Sunday rolls around, try to look at differently. When you see that couple holding hands in the store and catch yourself thinking about how envious you are of them, think about how you’re going to make whatever changes you need to make to be the one holding hands next year. While you’re locked inside your house and notice that you’re moping around because you don’t want to go out, write down a list of the things that are holding you back. When you catch yourself getting angry because Valentines day shoves all of this in your face, remember that it’s your situation that you don’t like, not the day, and reinforce your commitment to changing your situation.
With that said, I wish all of you a Happy Valentines Day, and hope that by this time next year, each and every one of you will have found the relationships you are seeking.
Of Resolutions and a Year to Come
January 2nd, 2010 by AndyFirst I would like to take this opportunity to wish each and every one of you a very happy new year, and much luck with your pursuits during this year to come. For me, this past year has been filled with many, many triumphs and learning experiences. Some of these I have shared, and some I have not, but at this point I wish to share my thoughts on how I will be approaching this new year, as well as how you might do the same. I had hoped to write this article before last year ended, but this year I found it hard to decide upon my own resolutions until tonight. So I will share this with you even if it is more than a day late.
A year ago I wrote that I wasn’t sure how much I would have to share as there were two major events I needed to take care of. Three months later, I had conquered both of those, but still I found my ability to share new material with you difficult as I had a difficult time finding new material for myself. Tonight, however, I come to you with a full report on my progress over the last year, the things I have learned, as well as my resolutions for the next year.
Over this past year, I have overcome 2 major issues of my own, only to find myself confronted by additional issues which I have been striving to beat down. Perhaps one of the largest issues I have dealt with is depression. Despite all of the gains I have made, the overall change in me has been small, and at times I have allowed that to get to me and hinder my progress. Up until last weekend, I still found it very difficult to talk to strangers unless they first talked to me. Last weekend, I had a little party, got way too drunk, ended up at a bar with a friend, and spontaneously become the life of the party. Somehow, after that, everything has seemed a bit easier for me, though not as easy as I would like. I did come to a very important conclusion though.
That night showed me that subconsciously I know how to use everything that I have learned over these past few years. My self-esteem is probably the highest it’s ever been in my entire life, and much better than most people I know. However something still holds me back. That something is uncertainty. I still fear what I don’t know and perhaps this is a good thing, or maybe bad. Certainly when I am working, it is good. Without my fear of it, I wouldn’t seek as hard as I do to clear it up and find true answers. When it comes to my life however, it limits me, and the one way I have found to clear it up is through practice.
So now I know I must practice what I already know how to do in order to become comfortable using it. This will take time as my opportunity to use it is few and far between, but I will persevere. So this brings us to my resolutions for this wonderful new year.
My first resolution is to start making better use of my idle time. There are many things that I “never have the time to do” yet I spend many hours doing things that are not productive in any way. Some of this is unavoidable due to other responsibilities, but I am going to work to better organize my life such that I get the most out of my time.
Secondly I’ve resolved to not only date more this year, but to find myself potential wives. I’ve taken note of everything I want and among those things is another child. I don’t want that child to face the same hardships my daughter does with my ex and I divorced, so I’ll be very discriminating and settle for nothing less than what will make me happy. This I will seek with every bit of energy I have.
Lastly I will do everything in my power to become the best person that I am. Is that a little confusing? Probably, but what I mean is that I know who I am, but often find myself afraid to be me. This year I will overcome that and be who I know I am. I’m going to be me for the first time in my life and that started today.
Now that I’ve shared my resolutions with you, I’d like to encourage you to share your resolutions with me and everybody else. Far more of you regularly read my blog than comment, and now I’d like to invite you to join in and motivate each other. What are you’re resolutions? How do you plan to accomplish them? Please share and help each other through this next year.
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...When Social Anxiety is No Longer the Problem
December 1st, 2009 by AndyOver the last few months, I have hit a point where my improvement has all but stagnated. For a while I was doing so well removing my irrational fears, learning to socialize better, and building my confidence until I finally hit a brick wall. What was worse was that this brick wall, compared to everything else in miniscule. For months I have struggled wondering why I couldn’t get over it.
The problem in my case is starting conversations with strangers. Up until now I haven’t been able to do it and until last night, I had no idea why. I tried every technique I knew and found that either they didn’t work or I just couldn’t do them. So last night I was talking to a friend about this and she asked me one very important question “How do you feel when it happens”, and I answered “I don’t.” That’s right. I have no anxiety at all in that situation. I simply do what I do a lot in situations I’m not used to; space out and get distracted. This is actually something that I consider a positive attribute. Usually when this happens I’m brainstorming, or relating huge amounts of seemingly unrelated information, but in this case I’m struggling to find a relation to help me start the conversation, and by the time I do, the opportunity has passed. So my current problem isn’t social anxiety at all. Instead it’s inexperience and over thinking.
Now I just need to tackle the problem, and here is how I plan on doing it. I’m going to start by walking up to people and asking them for advice. Whether it’s where to find something in the store, where to find a particular type of store, or just what they think of the shirt I’m wearing, this is something I can do. It may not be seem all that exciting or groundbreaking, but I still do over think when I do this, so in theory the more I do it, the easier it will get. Once I have done that I’ll move on to some of the things that are a little harder for me like the weather, sports, and current events. If I’m right, during the process of doing this a couple hundred times it will become automatic and that searching that happens now will be gone.
My point here has been that I was so focused on my anxiety that I refused to believe that I had conquered it when I in fact had. That’s not to say that I don’t feel anxiety at all anymore, but just that the anxiety that I do get no longer prevents me from moving forward. I was so focused on anxiety that I didn’t see my real problem, and ended up stuck running in circles for month trying to cure a problem I didn’t have. So when you get stuck, don’t forget to look for other explanations outside of your anxiety.
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Why do All Girls Play Games?
November 6th, 2009 by AndyA few days ago, I received a text message from a friend of mine saying “I’m sick of these games! Why do all girls play games!?” Upon receiving this, I took a few minutes to contemplate my response and responded “Have you taken the time to consider that you may be the one playing games?” Many minutes passed before I received his response, “No, I’m sure it’s them.” I then asked him, “Can you say that this one simple statement is true about yourself: ‘I know what I want to do completely and have no questions about it?’” to which he answered “No.”
Later that night, I took some time to sit down with him and teach him and help him to understand how he was the one “playing games.” See, over the last few months, he and I have been occasionally going to clubs together on Saturday nights, and I have had the opportunity to see him in action first hand. When texted me that day, I wasn’t the slightest bit surprised. I knew exactly why he was experiencing the problems he was experiencing. I knew what he didn’t: He wasn’t being congruent and his body language was betraying him.
Congruency is a subject that I have discussed many times in the past. Basically, when you are congruent, All of your communication, both verbal and non-verbal says the same thing. In this case you need to be portraying self-confidence, yet my friend alternates between confidence and insecurity. As soon as he gets into a situation where he is insecure about his decisions, you can watch his muscles tighten, the rate of his breathing increases, sweat beads on his forehead, and his voice trembles. His body and mind quickly give his feelings away without him having any idea that this is happening. Females, as it turns out are very sensitive to these non-verbal clues, and while they may not know why, they get uncomfortable when faced with someone displaying incongruence. They may get the feeling that you’re a creep, or that everything you say is a bunch of crap, and really they aren’t far off.
So the solution seems simple. You can just learn to control your non-verbal communication so that you’ll always seem confident and the “Games” will go away, right? Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. When women pick up on your incongruence, they are right, you are lying. If you don’t realize this, you are lying to yourself. Chances are, if you did attempt to fake it you would find it very difficult to function. This is just to much to constantly think about. Why would you even want to?
Take a few minutes to consider this. If unsure about what you want, there is a pretty good chance that when you do get whatever it is, you will be unhappy with it. Perhaps you are already unhappy and think that accomplishing this will make you happy. I’m pretty sure that if that is the case you can probably think of many other times where you thought the same thing and the happiness didn’t last. This time will be no different.
Instead, take the time to find yourself. Figure out what it is that you really want to a point where no longer question yourself. Pay attention to the thoughts in your head and make sure that you take care of the valid problems. If you do this, the problem of incongruence will take care of itself. You will actually be that confident person that you were attempting to fake before.
I realize that I wrote this blog from the male perspective, but these concepts apply to anyone, both male and female. If you find yourself looking for ways to become more confident, you may want to take the time to read back through some of my previous posts, especially those about incongruence, self-limiting beliefs and irrational fears.
The Change
November 1st, 2009 by AndyTonight was Halloween. When the day started, I had no intention of having anything to write about tonight, nor did I expect to learn or notice the things that I did. Instead, I expected to have a Halloween just like every other I have had since my daughter was born nearly 10 years ago. However, there was no way this Halloween was going to be different because I had inadvertently sewed the seed for change.
Two decisions, one made a month ago and another made a few days ago, would lead me to a conclusion that I never would have expected. Firstly I decided that I would dress up. Secondly, I decided that I would do so along with my daughter before we left the house today. This morning when after we awoke, that’s exactly what we did.
As we were walking into restaurant to meet some family, my daughter said to me, “Daddy, I’m embarrassed. We’re the only people dressed in costumes.” At this point, I was still failing to put 2 and 2 together. She was right, it was a bit embarrassing, but hey, it was Halloween. Next we went to the Mall where they were having a costume contest for the kids. She continued talking about being embarrassed on the way there, and this is where the epiphany hit me. I had accidently stumbled on a great opportunity for systematic desensitization.
As the day went on, I observed myself. At times I did get somewhat anxious, but at the same time I kept my head clear enough that I was able to observe myself and correct myself. As the day went on, it got easier and easier until finally we ended up at a Halloween party for the kids at a local ice arena. This is where I was eventually shocked into realizing how much of a difference the day had made.
After spending the night walking my one and a half year old nephew up to peoples doors along with my daughter, I unconsciously did something that opened my eyes to the ease I was having doing all of this. As my daughter and I were standing in line for her to play a game, I noticed that I knew the guy in front of us from high school, yet hadn’t seen him since. Suddenly, my mouth opened, moved, and words came out seemingly without thought. After my daughter finished playing the game I finished up the conversation, and continued on my way to the next game where I realized what had happened.
Yesterday, this wouldn’t have happened. I would have stood there thinking about saying”hi,” but would have failed to do it because by the time my mind had cleared it would have been too late. Tonight things were very different, I thought “Hey, I know him.” and acted before I had a chance to get lost in my mind. I don’t know yet how this new ability will play out past tonight, but I’ll remain optimistic, and we’ll see!
Stop Fighting It – Change
July 11th, 2009 by Andy“The only constant thing in life is change”
I have no idea where this quote came from, but I have read, and heard this many, many times over the past few months. Whomever originally said this definitely had a point and is a complete genius in my mind. From the time we are born, our lives are filled with change. Change is not a choice, but a mere fact of nature that happens constantly all around us no matter what we do. We grow older, learn, teach, have fun and with each second that passes we change.
So if change is not a choice, how can we ever become who we want to be? The other day, I found myself asking this very question. As I stood relaxing in the warm sun, I stared down at my feet and took a step forward and then a step back. I watched as my foot glided through space and time changing with each millisecond that passed. The position of my foot changed by choice. So you see, even though we are always changing, we can choose to influence the change in the ways we want. So what is the key to making the changes we want?
At first this may really sound silly, but if you take time to think about it, it really makes sense. The key to making real live-moving changes is to stop doing things the way you have always done them. If for instance you want to make more money you may find yourself saying “Well, the things I’ve do have gotten me this far, I don’t see why they won’t work to get me farther.” In that statement, you would be precisely correct. The things you have done have gotten you to exactly where you are today. If you continue to do things exactly the same, very little will change.
One of my goals, as many of you know, has been to become a more social person. Over the past few years, I have worked very hard at this, and made some change – some progress. Looking back though, the change has been very small. Sure there have been huge changes, but in the overall context of my goal, they have had minimal effect. So I’ve been re-evaluating myself, my habits, and my life attempting to determine how I can achieve the change that I want for myself. With my introspection, I came to the conclusion that I need to actually take steps toward this change.
So here is what I’ve laid out for myself. First of all, I am going to change my style quite a bit. Gone are the days of tee-shirts and jeans. It is about time that I start dressing like the professional, successful person that I am. I am also going to put more energy into paying attention to things that are important to me. In the past I have been horrible at not paying attention to the details – a habit that I now regret. What I have learned is that making the change means being the change.
You will never be something that your aren’t so in order to be the person that you want to be, you have to be that person. You need to become yourself, be yourself, and be the you that you want to be. It’s that simple, but still one of the hardest things to actually do.
It Isn’t All in the Head, Is It?
March 14th, 2009 by Andy
Just before the beginning of the new year, I wrote an article in which I mentioned that there were two major issues that I had to take care of before I expected to make any more reportable progress that would lead to any new tips. I’m happy to report that I have taken care of one of these, and am now well on the way to finally conquering the second. During this process, I have learned a valuable lesson that only became completely evident to me today.
Everything belief that we have is generated from our experiences and what we have learned from the experiences of others. It is from these believes that we generate the standards by which we judge ourselves and others. What I have always know, but only recently become aware of is that it doesn’t always make sense to change these beliefs.
Shortly after I wrote that story, I really thought about it, and had the feeling that those two things were just excuses. In many other cases when dealing with social anxiety, others would have said the same. In reality I have found that these things I needed to take care of truly needed to be taken care of. I had been making excuses to put them off for far too long.
So tonight’s lesson is short and sweet. There are those things in life that bother you and rightfully should. This is especially true if the problem affects your health or the well-being of your family. So really, if something is bothering you, it is all in your head, but you really should take the time to question whether it is there for a good reason or now.
The Secret to Thinking Positively
January 27th, 2009 by AndyNot so long ago, I found myself staring at articles not that unlike this one, reading that if I thought positively good things would happen to me. At first I’d try to think positively, and realized that my thoughts would automatically return to negativity. I figured, as you may, that I was just a negative thinker, and nothing could ever change that.
At some point a series of events occurred in my life that changed that belief forever. Within weeks I went from my automatic negative thoughts to thinking positively most of the time. The best part about this that because I questioned my ability to think positively the entire time, I noticed what led to the changes.
The secret, my friends, is practice. At this point, you probably think I’m crazy, how can you practice what you think? After all we just have thoughts, right? Yes and no. First of all you need to realize that the way you think, is nothing more than a habit. You have learned to think negatively. Just the same you can learn to think positively. The trick is catching yourself having the negative thoughts, and then thinking more positive thoughts.
As an example, one recurring negative thought that I used to have was that people would find me boring. Whenever I noticed this, I would think of times when people didn’t find me boring, and think to myself “I am a fun person.” before long, I noticed I was no longer thinking that people would find me boring.
Now as I mentioned before, becoming a positive thinker requires practice. This isn’t something you can change in a couple of days. It will take weeks, months, or maybe even years of practice depending on you and how negative your thoughts are. Just as you wouldn’t expect to become an expert in a day if you picked up a new musical instrument, you can’t expect to make such a huge, life-changing change so quickly.
Now if you have read this article carefully, you may now realize that I have given you a very powerful starting place to get you moving along the road to positively. I have not only told you that this is possible, but I have explained how it is possible and how you can become more positive. Anyone choosing to do this should start off by reminding themselves that they can become more positive every time they have a thought to the contrary.
I wish you all the best and loads of positivity in the future!
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