What it Means to be Self-Sufficient
August 12th, 2008 by AndyJust three years ago, when I was experiencing the hardships of divorce, I found myself scouring the Internet looking for a secret to save my marriage. Everywhere I went I read that you have to be "Self-Sufficient" and completely un-needy. At the time this seemed like a ridiculous impossibility. After all, wasn’t the point of a relationship to need each other? Since then I have been through a lot of learning and growing and at some point, I began to understand exactly what this meant.
Then and Now
I used to rely on others for quite a bit. I never had to do my own laundry, pay my own bills, clean my house, go grocery shopping. I thought those were the things that I needed my ex-wife for because I had to go to work 40 hours a week, and bring home the money. That’s not to say I didn’t do anything, but instead I heavily relied on her for those things because I didn’t know how to do them in the time that I had.
Now I live with my 8 year old daughter, work 40 hours a week, get her ready for school, take her to school, pick her up, take care of the house, cook dinner, do laundry, get her to bed, spend time with her, and yet still manage to find more time than ever before to have a social life. The truth is, I was capable of doing this all along, I just had to learn how to balance it all on my shoulders. This isn’t to say I’m perfect at everything, because I still have a long way to go, but the point is, I now know I can do it, and that I don’t have to rely on others.
Why is Self-Sufficiency Important?
Before I answer this question, I want to ask you, "Why are you here?" If the word "need" appeared anywhere in that answer. Maybe you "Need" to find a boyfriend or girlfriend. Maybe you "Need" to be more confident. No matter what it is, if you need it, you are most likely implying that you expect someone else to give it to you. When you believe you "need" things, others will feel put out. However if you want something, knowing fully well that you can do it yourself, and someone decides to help you, you will be fully appreciative for that help.
In any relationship, romantic or not, this goes a little deeper. A needy person in a relationship leaves the other feeling trapped. These feelings are generated by the fact that the other person is relying on them to do something that the needy person doesn’t thing he can do himself. Once you understand that you don’t really need anything, and you want, things become easier.
How Do I Become More Self-Sufficient?
As much as I’d like to wave a magic want and cure you of your neediness, I don’t believe there is a "fast" way to become more self-sufficient. This is a process of changing old habits and building new ones. Personally, I have always had a difficult time making changes to my habits, and those I have managed to change have sometimes taken months to be comfortable with.
My recommendation to you is to realize now that you don’t "need" anything. You only "want." From there you can slowly begin to separate yourself from your reliance on others, slowing taking on more and more of your own responsibility. If you’re getting divorced, or going through a drastic change you may have more than you can handle forced upon you all at once. If this is the case, don’t be afraid to ask for help and be grateful for any help you do receive. If you’re not in that position, you’re very lucky because you hopefully have the opportunity to become self-sufficient before you do end up in this position.
My Life as an Example
When I was divorced, I thought I had to run right out, find a girlfriend, and fill all of the holes that seemed to be left in my life. I was in such a hurry that I didn’t even pay enough attention to who I was dating to notice that the girl I was with was more needy than me. I quickly justified all of her faults to myself and before long we were living together.
This turned out to possibly be the most helpful thing in my growth. Before long I was seeing things from the other side of the fence. Suddenly I was the one being continuously relied upon, feeling trapped and needing out, but I still had my holes that needed filled, and I definitely didn’t want to be "alone." So, on it went for over a year before I couldn’t take it anymore, and broke up with her.
After this I had 2 more short relationships before I realized, I was cured. I don’t need a girlfriend or a wife. I want a relationship with someone who wants to spend time with me, not someone who needs me for almost everything. I want someone who can take care of herself as I can. Most importantly, I want to be me.
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