What Women Want in a Man
October 14th, 2008 by AndyThe other day, I was hanging out on Plurk and I saw a question that literally made me laugh. The question he asked wasn’t stupid nor was the person who asked it, but both the question and its answers demonstrated very well how little most people understand themselves and others. The question that was asked was "How come most women are attracted to assholes?"
I can pretty much guess what most of you are probably thinking right now. Male readers are thinking "Yeah, I’ve noticed that." while the females are thinking "We are not." Realistically both thoughts are totally wrong. It isn’t the asshole that attracts the woman, but certain qualities he appears to possess.
The most important quality that women gravitate toward confidence. While most assholes aren’t confident, they put a lot of into appearing to be strong and confident in order to hide their insecurities. They are so good at hiding their lack of confidence in their non-verbal communication that women find themselves drawn to them. Women really have little control over this because the feelings they get are generated internally by their subconscious.
Now there’s good news for all of us who are "sweet guys" and those women who don’t want to get stuck with assholes. Most women aren’t really attracted to assholes. They are attracted to confident, un-needy, self respecting men. If you aren’t this person today, don’t fret because you can be.
I have something for the women reading this who might be attracted to assholes as well. Consider for a moment that you may not really be attracted to the "bad boys." Instead is it possible that you attracted to a feeling that you get from them? Is it possible that this feeling comes from something other than the badness? Perhaps from the confidence they appear to exude? Do you find yourself unhappy in these relationships later because you’re always having to take care of that person? Because in the end, he really isn’t self-sufficient and confident, but just putting on an act?
If you answered yes to any or all of those questions, you may now understand the point that I am trying to get across. The asshole is just an imposter faking the role of the person you are really looking for. Its not your fault, you are tricked by your own mind which acts upon instincts that have been evolved throughout the existence of the human race.
I hope this clears things up a little bit for some or all of you. As always I’m always willing to field questions, so ask away.
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October 14th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
Yes, confidence is certainly almost an aphrodisiac in the early stages of a relationship.
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October 14th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
I think you have hit the proverbial nail on it’s proverbial noggin!
I was asshole blindness impaired through my teens and early 20’s…thank goodness I learned how to look past that “confidence” and found a heck of a good guy to spend my life with!
October 14th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Keli,
I’m glad to hear that you managed to find your way though that! So many don’t.
October 21st, 2008 at 5:46 pm
I have to say I agree with your post, women are definitely attracted to confidence and you’ve explained this well!
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December 30th, 2008 at 6:30 am
I find myself attracted to the sweet guys because I like to be “pampered” in simple ways – massage, hand-holding, cuddling, flowers, sweet notes …
I find myself attracted to confidence because I do not like neediness. I do not like the “assholes” or “bad asses” or “bad boys” though. I am smart enough, as a woman, to tell the difference.
Now if I could find a sweet guy that didn’t get all needy on me, I would be happy indeed. I’m great at bolstering one’s confidence … I just do not want to be depended upon to do so … I want my man to stand on his own two feet, without feeling like he needs to “fix” things I am upset about or “rescue” me when I am in over my head.
Make sense?
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December 30th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
That makes perfect sense Devyl,
I don’t agree that the need to “fix” things or “rescue” is necessarily linked to neediness though. I think these are a result of our culture. As men we’re raised to believe that we’re supposed to be knights in shining armor ready to ride up and save our damsel in distress at a moments notice. Many are still raised in homes where the men are expected to be the fixers around the house and this sticks with us throughout life.
Personally, I have a horrible time with this. I’ve been “fixing” everything in sight for years whether it was a radio, computer, car, or my girlfriend. In fact that was partly to blame for my divorce since I never just listened.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Here’s the God’s honest truth – the lower a woman’s self-esteem, the more likely she is to be attracted to “bad boys” who will abuse her and make her life miserable. The higher a woman’s self-esteem, the more she’ll be attracted to confident leaders. Both types (and men, for that matter) will be turned off by needy, insecure behavior.
Need to know which type you’re dealing with? Here’s the acid test: Can she accept good things from you? If she can, she has high-self-esteem; she believes she’s worthy of being treated well, so when you DO treat her well, it makes her happy and there’s no inner conflict. If, on the other hand, you treat her well and her attraction towards you PLUMMETS, or she gets uncomfortable and tries to create massive drama to ruin it, she’s low-self-esteem. Girls like this believe that they’re not worthy of being treated well, so when you do it, it creates massive inner conflict.
If you want to have a happy life, ONLY get into relationships with high-self-esteem girls.
Love, Kim
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November 2nd, 2009 at 2:51 pm
I think you’re test is good for one category of low self esteem (LSE) girls, but I have witnessed a second category. These are LSE girls that seek validation in the form of gifts. Instead of rejecting gifts, these girls need the gifts to fill their self esteem holes. They are also very easy to spot though. They cling like saran wrap.