The Importance of Incongruence
January 11th, 2009 by AndyA post that Not a Mean Girl wrote yesterday reminded me just how important congruency is when dealing with other. Being congruent simply means that all of our communication, verbal and non-verbal match and tell the same story. However incongruence usually indicates that something is wrong. For instance you may have a frown on your face while you say that you’re the happiest person in the world. It is the importance of this incongruence that I want to focus on today.
In her post, ‘I’m Thinking of Something and it Starts with the Letter “K”‘ , Not a Mean Girl told of a child who had a sudden change in disposition. She went on to describe the things she noticed that eventually ended in her being able to calm him and perhaps help him. As I read her post I realized she was describing the incongruence of the child. She was naturally noticing and noting these subtle differences in his non-verbal communication that indicated that he was torn over something. This allowed her to help him, at least at that moment. (Beautiful job NAMG!)
As you can see, being able to spot incongruence can be helpful in helping others. When you spot incongruence you can sometimes help the person to bring their many lines of communication into agreement with each other. Sometimes this is a nice skill to have, but how does it apply to coping with social anxiety?
Maybe you notice that people seem bored when you talk to them. Maybe you think people just agree with you to get you to stop talking. In either of these cases you’re probably picking up on the incongruence of the other person. You’re picking up on important communication from them, and likely ignoring it and continuing on without change. Next time this happens, try to notice what they are doing that gives you these feelings and once you do, change something about what you’re doing. Maybe change the subject, your posture, tone of voice, or even stop talking altogether. See if there are any changes, and then try something else. With time and practice, you’ll be able to learn to use incongruence to pace your conversations and appear much less socially awkward.
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January 11th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
Nicely and concisely put. I deal with this issue frequently in my profession and I’m continually amazed at how difficult it is to get clients to use verbal, non-verbal and behavioral cues to realize their messages aren’t getting through. Those that do listen and match their message and delivery method to their audience are usually much more sucessful
Fear and Parenting in Las Vegass last blog post..Throw Momma from the Plane
January 11th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Nicely said! Kids are especially adept at sending mixed messages with their non-verbal communication. They do it unknowingly and its VERY important to read those clues in order fully understand what you’re being told. Often, the non-verbal clues tell the truth under the polite lies society says we must tell in order to be “normal” or “accepted”. Kids, in particular, are very susceptible to falling into the “Everything is Rosey” trap.
NotAMeanGirls last blog post..I’m Thinking of Something and It Starts with the Letter “K”
January 12th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
Thanks for the kind words guys.
NotAMeanGirl, very true, although, you may want to try to not look at it as if one message is right and one is wrong. You’ll see less resistance looking for compromise rather than acceptance of the message you interpret as being right.
January 16th, 2009 at 3:37 am
Excellent information, Andy.
And, NAMG ROCKS!!!
Devyls last blog post..Photo Snag Tag (#14/365)
January 25th, 2009 at 4:39 am
Hey Andy;
(You don’t have a contact address up, so I’m using this form)
Good site. I just came to it randomly from stumbleupon.
Have you heard of http://www.succeedsocially.com? Check it out if you haven’t. You might get something out of its advice.