Continuing the Quest to Quit Smoking
August 20th, 2008 by AndyIt has been nearly 2 months since I challenged myself to quit smoking. While I can’t say that I’m 100% smoke free that this point, I can say that I have made quite a bit of progress and still remain committed to quitting. The truth is, it has been a little bit harder than I had expected.
Before quitting I had heard from others that if you could make it 3 days without a cigarette, you’d be in the clear. That wasn’t true for me. As soon as I began quitting I started to notice a couple problems. Nearly all of them, probably thanks to the patches were related to my mental addiction. Perhaps my biggest problem was that I couldn’t focus because my routine had been broken. I felt the constant urge to have a cigarette in my mouth. Before long I had to cheat. My productivity fell, and with it my confidence did as well.
At that point I began to "Cheat". At first I snuck way too many cigarettes, but within a few days, I realized what I was doing, and forced myself back to one or two a day. Since then I have managed to maintain this while still reducing the levels of the patches. Within the last 2 weeks, there have been a few days that I didn’t smoke, and never thought about it. With this, I have noticed a few things that lead to me "sneaking" cigarettes.
- Going into the office is a huge trigger for me. On days I’m not in the office, I can avoid having a cigarette until 7 or 8pm even if I’m around other people smoking. This doesn’t really surprise me because I really started smoking more than 1 or 2 a day at work, when I was working with other people. As a result, the more I stay away from the office, the better. I also discovered that moving down a level in patches on a day that I will be in the office is a BAD idea.
- Adopting better eating habits also helps. I’m less likely to sneak a smoke on days where I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. If I’m hungry, I want a smoke. If I eat, the craving goes away. It is important to not that I’m not eating more because I’m not smoking, but just redistributing my caloric intake more evenly throughout the day.
- When I don’t smoke, I get tired. When this happens it helps to take a nap rather than lighting a cigarette. A 25 minute nap is usually all that it takes to snap me out of it, and get me moving again.
With all of this said, I’m sure some of you are wondering how I manage to stay dedicated to quitting despite all of this apparent "failure." Its simple. I don’t consider it failure when I sneak a smoke, but instead consider it progress because I am smoking less this week than I was last week. I’m still managing to break my old habits and forge new, better habits at the same time. Doing so allows me to focus on my success, and remain motivated and excited about quitting.
Exercise to Boost Your Confidence
August 13th, 2008 by AndyWhether or not you experience social anxiety in any of its many forms, everyone can use a confidence boost no matter how large or small. One avenue from which I have been finding a pretty big boost is exercise. What I really found amazing was how little exercise I actually had to do to notice a big difference.
Now don’t even bother with the excuses you might have for not exercising. Whatever reasons you may have are just self-limiting beliefs, unless your doctor has told you otherwise. If that is the case, you should be asking your doctor what you can do. The only excuse that I want to hear is that you already go to the gym 3 days a week.
Now before you do start getting more exercise it is important that you do approach your doctor to make sure that what you are going to do is ok. There may be certain reasons why you shouldn’t do certain exercises that are specific to your situation, and I don’t want to hear of anyone getting injured.
Before you clear it with your doctor, you’ll want to decide what you are going to do. I decided to start out doing pushups because a number of people I know where doing the 100 Push up Challenge. Joining in on a challenge such as this is a great way to keep yourself motivated to continue. If you do so with a group of people a bit of competition always tends to ensue. For me, this has been very helpful in motivating me to push forward.
You’re probably wondering what kinds of effects you can expect once you start exercising. Physically you can’t expect too much right away. you might gain a little muscle right away, but you shouldn’t expect to have the physique of an athlete right away. If that’s what you want, that will take a lot of work. If you keep at it you should notice some small changes within a month. What’s more important are the mental changes you’ll notice.
Just knowing that you are doing something good for yourself should give you a small but immediate confidence boost. When you’re sore the day after working out, you can feel empowered, knowing that that little bit of pain means you made progress toward being stronger and healthier. The next time you do whatever it is you’re doing, you’ll feel good when you realize you can handle a little bit more than you could the last. Eventually, exercising may become a habitual part of your life constantly giving you that helpful little boost every day.
It took me about 3 weeks to really start to see and feel results. One day I was walking down the hall toward the bathroom at work when I realized that my shirt felt different than normal on my body. When I got to the bathroom, I couldn’t see a difference in the mirror, but I felt the difference throughout my body. I was more relaxed, standing straighter, breathing better, and I felt more alive. Now after 4 weeks I’m starting to see more physical changes. I have put on 4 pounds, which, being the scrawny twig that I am, is actually a good thing. I also have quite a bit more muscle in my chest than I did before. With all of this I’m definitely more confident in myself, and I know that if you take up some sort of an exercise routine, you will be too.
What it Means to be Self-Sufficient
August 12th, 2008 by AndyJust three years ago, when I was experiencing the hardships of divorce, I found myself scouring the Internet looking for a secret to save my marriage. Everywhere I went I read that you have to be "Self-Sufficient" and completely un-needy. At the time this seemed like a ridiculous impossibility. After all, wasn’t the point of a relationship to need each other? Since then I have been through a lot of learning and growing and at some point, I began to understand exactly what this meant.
Then and Now
I used to rely on others for quite a bit. I never had to do my own laundry, pay my own bills, clean my house, go grocery shopping. I thought those were the things that I needed my ex-wife for because I had to go to work 40 hours a week, and bring home the money. That’s not to say I didn’t do anything, but instead I heavily relied on her for those things because I didn’t know how to do them in the time that I had.
Now I live with my 8 year old daughter, work 40 hours a week, get her ready for school, take her to school, pick her up, take care of the house, cook dinner, do laundry, get her to bed, spend time with her, and yet still manage to find more time than ever before to have a social life. The truth is, I was capable of doing this all along, I just had to learn how to balance it all on my shoulders. This isn’t to say I’m perfect at everything, because I still have a long way to go, but the point is, I now know I can do it, and that I don’t have to rely on others.
Why is Self-Sufficiency Important?
Before I answer this question, I want to ask you, "Why are you here?" If the word "need" appeared anywhere in that answer. Maybe you "Need" to find a boyfriend or girlfriend. Maybe you "Need" to be more confident. No matter what it is, if you need it, you are most likely implying that you expect someone else to give it to you. When you believe you "need" things, others will feel put out. However if you want something, knowing fully well that you can do it yourself, and someone decides to help you, you will be fully appreciative for that help.
In any relationship, romantic or not, this goes a little deeper. A needy person in a relationship leaves the other feeling trapped. These feelings are generated by the fact that the other person is relying on them to do something that the needy person doesn’t thing he can do himself. Once you understand that you don’t really need anything, and you want, things become easier.
How Do I Become More Self-Sufficient?
As much as I’d like to wave a magic want and cure you of your neediness, I don’t believe there is a "fast" way to become more self-sufficient. This is a process of changing old habits and building new ones. Personally, I have always had a difficult time making changes to my habits, and those I have managed to change have sometimes taken months to be comfortable with.
My recommendation to you is to realize now that you don’t "need" anything. You only "want." From there you can slowly begin to separate yourself from your reliance on others, slowing taking on more and more of your own responsibility. If you’re getting divorced, or going through a drastic change you may have more than you can handle forced upon you all at once. If this is the case, don’t be afraid to ask for help and be grateful for any help you do receive. If you’re not in that position, you’re very lucky because you hopefully have the opportunity to become self-sufficient before you do end up in this position.
My Life as an Example
When I was divorced, I thought I had to run right out, find a girlfriend, and fill all of the holes that seemed to be left in my life. I was in such a hurry that I didn’t even pay enough attention to who I was dating to notice that the girl I was with was more needy than me. I quickly justified all of her faults to myself and before long we were living together.
This turned out to possibly be the most helpful thing in my growth. Before long I was seeing things from the other side of the fence. Suddenly I was the one being continuously relied upon, feeling trapped and needing out, but I still had my holes that needed filled, and I definitely didn’t want to be "alone." So, on it went for over a year before I couldn’t take it anymore, and broke up with her.
After this I had 2 more short relationships before I realized, I was cured. I don’t need a girlfriend or a wife. I want a relationship with someone who wants to spend time with me, not someone who needs me for almost everything. I want someone who can take care of herself as I can. Most importantly, I want to be me.
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Loading ...Embracing The Law of Attraction
August 7th, 2008 by AndyWhat is The Law of Attraction?
I have seen the law of attraction described in many different ways, by many different people. Have you ever had someone tell you that "If you put your mind to it, you can do anything?" This utterance is essentially the basis of "The Law of Attraction."
What Do I Believe?
While I can’t say that I believe much of what has been said, I do believe that the law of attraction can have very positive effects on peoples lives. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t bother wasting time writing about it. While I’d like to believe that somehow my energy might attract the things I want to spontaneously vaporize in reality, I find it hard to do so.
I believe that if I believe in myself, and completely believe that I will accomplish everything I set out to do, I will accomplish everything. It might take a few tries at some things, but eventually I will accomplish it. I can go one step further and explain why I believe this works without anything mystical or magical. If one truly believes he can do something, his internal dialog will be supportive in doing that rather resistive and negative as it might be otherwise. This makes all of the hard work needed to get from point A to point B much more enjoyable and fun.
What If I’m Wrong?
It doesn’t matter how you believe that believing can attract the things that you want. Take this example. When you switch on a light and see light, it doesn’t matter what causes that light to be emitted. The electricity that powers the light bulb doesn’t care what you believe it is. The law of attraction is much the same. It doesn’t matter if you believe that some obscure quantum principles or you yourself cause the results to appear. When you believe, they will appear.
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Overcoming My Own Irrational and Limiting Beliefs
August 5th, 2008 by AndyTonight I found myself discovering something new about myself. Not only do I have irrational fears, but I also have irrational beliefs. Not only do I have irrational beliefs, but these cause some of my irrational fears, and lead to me not doing some things that I really would like to do.
Tonight, an online friend of mine mentioned that he was contemplating taking tae kwon do classes again. Right away I found myself wondering why this person would take tae kwon do. He wasn’t the type. Then I realized I’ve always wanted to get into martial arts, but I haven’t. I haven’t because I’ve never believed that I was the type.
At this point, I began to notice how my own beliefs conflict with each other. How could I believe that on one hand I can do anything I put my mind to, yet on the other that I’m not the type to be involved with martial arts? If I deconstruct this a little further we notice that I have an enabling belief: "I can do anything I put my mind to." At the same time, I have a self limiting belief: "I’m not the type to be involved with martial arts."
Realizing this, and seeing how much this belief has limited me really opened my eyes. For a while I had thought that I had gotten rid of most of my self-limiting beliefs. Yet this, a very powerful belief, still remained. This leads me to wonder what other beliefs continue to hold me back.
As a result of this I have decided to take a few steps to begin to free myself of these beliefs.
Identify What Is Important
I am going to start to create list of the things that are important to me. It is extremely important that this list contain everything that I can think of including the things I do, the things want to do, and the things I wish I could do. This will become important as I begin to identify my limiting beliefs.
Locate the Limiting Beliefs
For each item on my list I will then go back and ask myself if I do it enough. If I don’t do it, or if I don’t do it enough, I will ask myself why. The answers to many of these questions are likely to be my self-limiting beliefs. For instance, if I were to ask myself why I’m not involved in martial arts, the answer would be because I don’t think I’m the type of them.
Cope With the Limiting Beliefs
Once I have a list of all of the things I want to do, and the reasons why I don’t, I’ll look though my answers and find the things I don’t do because of limiting beliefs. There may be very solid reasons for doing some things. Perhaps they’re illegal, or bad for my health. I will begin to change my attitude toward everything else on the list. One thing at a time, I will begin to overcome these beliefs and life the life that I want.
Coping With Life’s Ups and Downs by Being Present
August 3rd, 2008 by Andy
Perhaps you spend much of your time thinking about what will happen in the future, or maybe what has happened in the past. You may find it hard to be excited or happy because your worries constantly occupy your mind. If you find yourself wondering if you can be happy or if you can find the excitement you once had in life, continue reading.
My interpretation of my life hasn’t always been so nice. I have experienced some very difficult situations throughout my life that eventually led me to almost forget that it was possible to be excited or happy. This eventually led to my divorce and eventually a new phase of learning and enlightenment for me. During this time I found that I can in fact be happy and excited whenever I choose to be. I learned that not only can I be happy, but that the problems and thoughts that led me to be unhappy really weren’t so bad in the first place. So how does one go from being depressed an unhappy most of the time to being excited to live each and every day?
The secret that I discovered has been called different things by different people. The secret is to live your life in the present. Maybe you’ve noticed that sometimes when you’re watching a good movie, all of your worries may melt away. Or perhaps while you’re working, time seems to fly and you’re worries disappear. In either case you have most likely experienced the present at one time or another. Now you need to learn to bring yourself here more often.
Take a moment and close your eyes. Concentrate and notice every sound around you. Now open your eyes and see everything at the same time as you hear. If you did that you may notice now that while you were doing it, you weren’t thinking of the past or the future, but instead you were focused on the present.
Now that you understand what the present is, and how to experience it, you can begin to incorporate the present more into your life. Whenever you notice yourself focusing on the past or what may happen in the future, bring yourself back into the present. Focus on what is happening right now. The more you practice doing this, the more often you will find yourself being happy and excited here in the present.
Changing Memories with NLP and Self-Hypnosis
August 1st, 2008 by AndyThe Realization
A few days ago, I was lying in bed, relaxing, and trying to fall asleep, playing around with self-hypnosis. Earlier that day, I had had a conversation with a few members of my family about my childhood and an imaginary friend that I had long since forgotten about. So as I lay there going into trance, I decided to go back to that time to see what memories I could retrieve. Very soon I found myself remembering things that I had long since forgotten.
Now I have gone back to my childhood in my past, but this time I was able to keep myself in much deeper trance, yet somehow make and follow my own suggestions perfectly. When I realized how well I was following my own suggestions, I decided to take myself back to the time I had first experienced social anxieties. To my own surprise I found myself at a time years before I had previously believed.
I don’t know why this happened. Perhaps it was the deeper than normal trance, or maybe the fact that I had already dealt with many of the later experiences that had strengthened the anxiety, but there I was, back in kindergarten, counting as high as I could. I thought I was right, and could go on forever, but obviously the teacher knew I couldn’t and told me I was wrong. From that point forward, I’ve been afraid of being wrong.
At this point, something happened that pulled me somewhat out of my trance, and I began to think. If something so small had made such a difference in my life, what else could have happened between then and now? Surely there were hundreds of things. that had happened between then an now. Was there a way I could deal with it that wouldn’t require dealing with each instance individually. Then it hit me, pulling from some NLP and Hypnosis techniques, I might be able to pull of a huge feat and make a huge change all at once.
The Technique
At this point, I once again took myself deeply into trance. I went back to that time in kindergarten, when the teacher told me I was wrong and changed it. now I counted all the way to 1000 and I was right. The teacher even threw a party because I was so smart. It felt great. I associated into this “Memory” and continued on to the next, doing exactly the same thing. At this point I decided to take the NLP technique of asking yourself to handle similar situations in a similar way and redesign it a bit. I asked that part of myself to remember those situations which caused my social anxiety in my dreams, and change those memories such that they no longer cause me anxiety.
Now I realized I had a problem. If I remembered my dreams, I would probably have the same problem I had had before with changing memories. I would remember changing them, and change them back. At this point I realized that in order for the change to be permanent I would have to forget making it. I needed to induce hypnotic amnesia in order to do it, and I had never successfully (that I can remember) accomplished this on myself. If it did work, I must have needed those memories for something because I am able to write this post now.
I figured there were a few things that I needed to forget. First of all I couldn’t remember the original memory, the new memory needed to replace it. I also couldn’t remember that I had acted upon the original memory because that would mean remembering the original memory, so I attempted to induce amnesia of this entire section of my self-hypnosis section. Lastly I needed some way to recall everything should there be a problem, so I set a trigger to remember everything if any part of the original memories were needed.
The Results
In the morning when I woke up I remembered everything that I have written about up to this point. Maybe I did manage to change memories and forget about them, maybe I didn’t. I have had some interesting memories since though. I remembered the party in my kindergarten class as if it had happened, but I also remember that I created that memory as well as the original memory. I remember two copies of other memories as well, but at least think I know which one is the real one, and it makes sense in every case. All of this made me wonder, is it possible to induce hypnotic amnesia in yourself?
At first it seems like it should be possible. The more I think of it though, installing any trigger leads you a path to remembering everything. Even if you were to not use a trigger, leaving out any aspect leading to the amnesia could lead to remembering. I’m not going to try inducing amnesia without a trigger, so I guess I may never know. What is clear though is that I did notice some change.
When I’m in situations that were still anxious for me I find myself with more mixed thoughts. Some of them are based upon the memories I created, others based upon the originals, and yet others confused between the two. In the end it has made some improvement.
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...How Do I Get A Date With the Hot Waitress?
July 28th, 2008 by Andy
Today I went for lunch at a large chain restaurant. Very quickly I was greeted and seated, and soon my waitress appeared. Physically she met my definition of a perfect 10 and I wanted very badly to talk to her. She attempted to flirt a little bit, but I quickly came to the conclusion that she was just as anxious as me.
Now I know you’re probably thinking that this was partly due to the fact that I was anxious, and you’d be right. More than once I caught myself visibly showing my anxiety by tapping my feet, putting my hands in my pockets, or folding my arms across my chest. I kept asking myself why social anxiety was flaring up so bad in this situation. Why didn’t I know what to say to her?
As I left I continued to analyze this situation and came to a realization. Other than the fact that she was anxious as well, and that she was a waitress, there there wasn’t too much that I could tell about her. I could have opened her with a question about her day, or by commenting on the weather, but she hears that stuff all day long, and I have pretty much programmed those conversations out of my head. So how could I open a conversation with her? How could I have learned more about her in this situation?
Finally it hit me. I could extend the concept of peacocking to restaurants in a subtly geeky way. For those that don’t know, peacocking is a pick-up term referring to wearing something odd that will draw the attention of women and inspire questions from them. So why not do the same in a restaurant? Obviously what would work in a club or bar isn’t going to work here though, so we need something a bit more subtle.
So I have my new approach to restaurants. From now on, when I go to a restaurant alone I will bring either a book or a notebook with me. If I bring a book it will be something at least slightly controversial and question inspiring. I may bring a book on hypnosis for example. If I bring a notebook, I’ll sit there writing about something that would make for an interesting conversation such as an article for here. Something that would lead instantly into us getting to know each other. In either case, the whole idea is to get to know each other better, so make it something connected to you.
As I said, I was just inspired to try this today, so I haven’t tested it yet. I will be soon and perhaps I will write about my experiences with it. One other thing you may want to try is acting more interested in your book or writing. When she comes to the table ask her to wait a second while you finish the sentence you’re on. Perhaps this will generate more interest.
Update: After some feedback from some friends on this issue, it’s clear that there are a few things that I shouldn’t have assumed are obvious. I would never advocate harassing waitresses. The whole point of this is to converse with another person and at the vary least make her day a little brighter. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE is it ok to harass waitresses, nor anyone else to get a date.
For those of you who thought this is what I intended, take time to read the article. I think you will see that my intent is to teach other men to be more honest about who they are, and to converse better with women. This is about doing away with the stereotypical pickup lines that are way too overused, and helping people learn to be more interesting.
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...My Personal Gains
July 26th, 2008 by Andy
I know I have been quiet over the past few months about my own personal growth. That has been in part due to the fact that I’ve been so busy trying to write new material for you guys, and also because I have been very busy. So here’s what I’ve been up to.
Most importantly I think is the fact that I was in a relationship for over a month. On top of that I ended it where before I would have just drug my feet and been unhappy when things weren’t working out. Unfortunately after about a month we started to discover that we weren’t really as compatible as we thought.
On top of all of that I found Plurk where I have become actively involved in the community, and have made many new friends. I was amazed by how quickly I was welcomed in, and integrated into the community. Its great.
Lastly I have just been enjoying summer. When I’m not working, writing, or plurking, I’m outside having a good time just as you should be. Life is too short to waste, so get out and have fun!
5 Exciting Places to Meet New Friends
July 26th, 2008 by Andy
If you’re trying to overcome social anxiety, you are probably hoping to make new friends. For many this is a scary prospect as having never been good at doing this, you may not know where to go. Considering to beautiful weather we have been having, and that fall in not that far away, I have decided to create this list of 5 amazing places where you can easily make new friends.
- If you love sports, take up a new sport or join a new league. Being part of a team is an excellent way to meet great people.
- Do you have children? If so, take them to the park. Not only will you have fun with your children, but you’ll meet other parents with whom you share the common bond of parenting.
- If public service is your thing, volunteer somewhere. No matter where you volunteer, if you’re working with other people, you make new friends.
- Another option is to take a course in something you want to know more about. Whether you decide to go back to college and take up a new career path, or just take a pottery, karate or dance class, you’ll meet people with these same interests.
- Get out and go to events that interest you. There are many great events where you can make friends. Many town and cities often have festivals during the summer. Now only do many of these festivals have great food, but you’ll find hundreds of potential new friends at them. Car shows, computer shows home and garden shows, and even flee markets are all examples of places that you might want to try.
Now go have fun and make new friends, but just remember. These are just suggestions. The places where you will make friends with the most ease are the places where you have fun, and are comfortable!
Now go have fun and make new friends, but just remember. These are just suggestions. The places where you will make friends with the most ease are the places where you have fun, and are comfortable!
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